Fresh as a Kitten's Ass

"The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat."

Jules Renard, French author


"The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat unless said cat's ass is covered in shit."

Vikki Reich, washer of cat asses

Today, the kids were playing in the back room when Miguel began to complain about the smell of cat poop.

I do not deal well with animal poop. When I have accidentally stepped in dog poop out in the cruel, cruel animal poopy world, I have thrown the shoes away rather than try to clean them.

So, when Miguel complained, I figured it was a good time for me to head out to the writing studio as I had planned. Before I could make my escape, however, Luisa inspected Momo and discovered that our previously adorable kitten had shit hanging from her hindquarters.

Luisa: Oh my god! She has poop all over her butt.

Vikki (gasping in horror): No! How does that even happen?!

Luisa: Help me! You have to hold her while I try to clean it off.

Vikki: No! I don't want to touch her!

Vikki (thinking to self): We should just get rid of her. It was good while it lasted.

Luisa: HOLD HER! You have to help!

I reluctantly took the kitten and held her as far away from my body as I could while Luisa wiped the kitten's ass with a paper towel. But...she couldn't get it all off.

Luisa: UGH! I can't get it off!

Vikki: What do you mean?! You have to get it off.


I imagined Momo and her shitty ass sitting on the couch...on the chairs...getting onto my bed and I knew something had to be done. Holding her tightly in one hand and at arm's length, I turned around and headed towards the bathroom.

Luisa: What are you doing? Where are you going?

Vikki: We're gonna have to wash her ass.

Luisa followed me upstairs and put some water in the tub.

Luisa: Okay, I'll hold her and you wash her butt.

Vikki: No way! I'll hold her down and you wash her butt.

Momo (thinking to self): What in the hell are these people doing to me?!

I held the kitten down while Luisa began washing the kitten's ass with her bare hand. She will never touch me with that hand again as long as we live.

Luisa: Do you think I should use soap?

Vikki: Yes! You have to use soap!

Though I have not scrubbed a kitten's ass before, I was certain that it required soap. I handed her the bar of soap and she scrubbed the kitten until the hindquarters were nothing but foam and fur. Then, she rinsed out the soap and held Momo down while I grabbed a towel. She then placed the soaking wet kitten into my towel covered arms and I wrapped her up.

I do not understand how this happened and I hope that:

a) No one every tries to explain it to me

b) Momo never tries to sit on my lap again

b) I never have to help wash a cat's ass ever again