There comes a time in a boy's life when he wants and needs deodorant. In an ideal world, the needing and wanting occur at the same time. It's horrible when there is a need but not a want and ridiculous when there is a want but not a need. We were fortunate that the stars aligned in our son's mind and arm pits.

Miguel recently requested deodorant and we thought that was a fantastic idea what with all the soccer and martial arts and push ups and sit ups and general jock-like behavior.

I know...I have written a lot about deodorant. You might even be starting to wonder if I have a deodorant fetish. Personally, I just wonder why I don't have some big time deodorant endorsement deal. But I digress. Let's get back to our deodorant situation.

I wear Sure (mint lemongrass scent) and Luisa wears Speedstick (ocean surf). I knew that I couldn't convince Miguel to wear my deodorant but Luisa's is men's deodorant so I thought he could just use hers for awhile but no - he wanted his own. I told him that I would just pick something up for him and he said that he wanted to pick it out himself and I told him if he waited until we could go together he would probably have a Master's degree and a wife and a new baby and he decided that he was fine with me picking something up for him.

I went to my old haunt, the deodorant aisle at Target, and decided that the best way to pick out deodorant for a pre-teen boy was to find the one with the flashiest packaging and the worst smell. I knew that I needed something that reminded me of the high school boys of my youth, something that smelled like Trying Too Hard. So I began my sniffing marathon with Speed Stick, steered clear of Old Spice and quickly made my way to Axe. When I smelled Axe Anarchy, I knew I had found the most horrifically perfect scent for my son.

When Miguel got home from school, I handed him the deodorant and his eyes grew wide - he loved the look of it. Then, he popped off the lid, took a deep drag and sighed dreamily, "'s perfect."

I am a deodorant savante.

He quickly rubbed some in his arm pits and took it up to his room. Later, when I called him to dinner, he came to the table without a shirt and wearing only his underwear.

He had never come to the table in his underwear. Ever.

Me: Hello? Where are your clothes?

Miguel: I don't want to wear any.

Me: You can't sit at the table in your underwear!

Miguel: Why? What's the big deal?


Zeca: Dude, it's gross.

Miguel (sighing dramatically): Mom! Why do you always have to make a big deal of everything?

He went back upstairs, got dressed and returned to the table where we ate in silence.

And that's when I was the deodorant. It was ANARCHY! I'm going back to Target to look for Axe Obedience and I know it will smell so sweet.


A couple of years ago, I switched deodorants and started using the same one as Luisa. I made this life-altering decision for three reasons: 1) The other deodorant wasn't working for me and 2) It was convenient and 3) It freed up space in the medicine cabinet for cookies. When you use a particular deodorant for awhile, you get used to the way you smell and then, when you switch, you smell like someone else. So, when I first started using Luisa's deodorant, I kept thinking she was following me everywhere which was kinda sweet but kinda creepy. Eventually, the weirdness passed though and our smells became one. They warn you of such things in Lesbian Training Courses but smelling the same is not as bad as dressing the same so there's that.

Recently, Luisa's deodorant stopped working for me. I blame this on two things: 1) Global Warming and 2) Perimenopause. This is my way of telling you that I have been inexplicably stinky for the past few months. Luisa claims not to have noticed and, while I do have a very keen sense of smell, I do believe that I have begun to smell like I've rubbed a poulstice of cumin, garlic and goat dander in my pits. So, I knew that I needed to change for fear that some hippy tree hugger might find me and try to mate with me.

Yesterday, I went to Target in search of the most potent deodorant I could find. I went to the women's deodorants hoping that they might have one to address issues of perimenopausal pit odors. It may surprise you to find that there is not a single deodorant dedicated to addressing this issue. There are, however, deodorants for people who run marathons which I find funny given how few people run marathons compared to how many people have to deal with hormonal sweat. I ended up buying two deodorants - one that promised to neutralize my goatiness with natural magic and the one for people who run marathons.

This morning, I decided I would start with the marathon deodorant because vacation was over and life is a marathon not a sprint and there is no "i" in team and if at first you don't succeed, try try again. Let me begin by telling you that this deodorant comes out of the top like the hair in the play-doh barbershop. I have not experienced this before so I found it a tad unsettling and, before my pits were properly coated, that stuff was on the sink, the floor and - impressively - in my mouth. I can tell you that it does not taste like a marathon victory or "fresh". It also does not taste like chicken.

I then spent the rest of the day thinking that I was being followed by a gay man with a fondness for cologne. It was like I was back in high school with my gay boyfriend but with less face-eating kisses. On the upside, I did not smell like a samosa so I think this deodorant might be working.

Eggies Part 2

Today we have part 2 of the Eggie Eggstravaganza! In this installment, you will see Deborah and I laugh hysterically! You will see us do a craft project! My voice is eggstraordinarily high-pitched! There are cameos by Luisa and Deborah's partner, Gabriella! We will also eat the eggies and who doesn't want to see that? If you get bored while watching, you could always entertain yourselves by counting how many times we say "screw" or some variant. Enjoy...