Tuning In
/Some days, I am tired and irrationally crabby and I just want to stay in my pajamas all day and eat cereal in front of the television. Children rob you of that option. They don't care that you're tired - they have wants and needs that must be met immediately! So, there are times when one child is hopping around like Tigger on coke and another child is singing a nonsensical song at a volume that makes my brain vibrate and I behave in a less than noble fashion. This song gives some perspective and reminds me that I'm going to make mistakes - it's what I do about them that matters most. Let Me Say I'm Sorry Now - Shawn Colvin (I couldn't find a link! How is that possible?!)
Some days, I watch as my kids do crazy things and make horrible choices and I just want to scream, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO?!" I want them to know that I am older and wiser and I can save them a lot of trouble and pain if they will just listen to me. But, they don't want to listen to me. They want to go their own way and I have to remember that I want that for them too. I do. Though this song is not about parenting, it helps me remember to let go.
Divided - Tegan and Sara (This video was shot at a performance and has some cute banter)
Some days, I look into my children's faces and I see their pain and, somehow, their pain becomes mine. I want to make the world right for them. I want them to know that we all hurt, that we all feel lost sometimes. I want to tell them that the answer to almost everything is love and want them to know that they will always have mine. I want nothing more than to give them comfort.
Some days, I need freedom. I need to reconnect to myself, to remember that I am a mother but my own person separate from that. I need to be alone in the car with the music playing loudly. I need the windows open and the wind in my hair. This is the best song to listen to on those days.
Some days, I am at peace and remember that this chaotic life is one that I have built with intention. Sure, there are things about my life before children that I miss - like my sanity - and things I may never do. But, I also know that I am a better person because of my kids. If you ever want to put together a wistful parenting montage, this song would be the perfect soundtrack.
When you imagine your life as a parent, you never imagine that your children will break you apart but they do. They break you into pieces and remake you into something new.