Sleep Deprivation and Anxiety met at a party and it was love at first sight. Sleep Deprivation saw Anxiety reaching for and then hesitating and then reaching again for the prosciutto-wrapped figs. Sleep Deprivation has notoriously bad judgment and found it adorable and asked Anxiety out on a date. Of course, Anxiety wasn't sure and worried that Sleep Deprivation only liked her for her body but somehow one date turned into many and now they go hand in hand. Not surprisingly, they are a terrible couple. For years, their friends advised them to break up because they wouldn't listen and then one day they woke up in matching denim vests with two children and a house on Insomnia Street that they can't afford.
They didn't literally wake up because they never sleep. It's a metaphor. Ride the wave.
Their two kids are impossible. Mania is loud and wears Hammer pants and giant wings made from upcycled Target bags and is all, "I AM GOING TO BUILD A ROCKET IN THE BACKYARD MADE FROM TAMPAX, COTTAGE CHEESE CONTAINERS AND BIC LIGHTERS!" Inertia wants nothing to do with that and is happy to lie on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt eating Doritos from the pile on his belly.
The Slanxiety family is unbearable, primarily because they only bring chips and salsa to the neighborhood potlucks. Anxiety can't decide what to bring and if she left it to Sleep Deprivation, they'd bring Ho Ho's which would be utterly embarrassing. Mania wants to make individual Baked Alaskas for 100 and shoot them at guests from a canon while Inertia just wants to watch Netflix and have pizza delivered. It's amazing that they ever leave the house at all.
How do I know all this? Because I have been living with them for the past few weeks. I've spent time with them before and hanging out with Mania is the only thing that makes it worth it--Mania is a hoot! But this time, Mania wasn't there. I heard she was in Canada making a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower out of paper clips.
Insomnia is bad but parenting a kid with insomnia is much worse and that's what we've been doing recently. Without sleep, I couldn't seem to write or do much of anything really.
We have figured out part of the issue and are working on it and are sleeping more and my brain is starting to work again. I'm having ideas! My first idea was to run my Twitter account from my hoodie's perspective. My second idea was this post. I said I was having ideas...but I didn't promise they were good ones.
So, hello! I'm back! Would you like a fig?