I Think My Phone Is Cheating on Me


Dear Vikki, My phone and I have been in a committed monogamous relationship since February of this year. Well, I've been monogamous but I'm starting to have concerns about her. You see, the other day, I was typing a text and she corrected "Damn" to "Damon" and then I noticed she was correcting "I can" to "Ivan" and this is the phone equivalent of screaming out their names while I'm fingering her touch screen. Then, today, she changed "Don't" to "Donny" and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am, of course, heartbroken, not because she may be cheating on me with guys because it's 2014 and I get that we're all more fluid than we allowed ourselves to be in the 90s but because I thought I was her one and only.

But every time I try to bring up this issue, she does something magical like change "leaning" to "lesbianing" because she knows I'm a sucker for that sort of thing. The other day, I mentioned  my concerns to a friend and I think she must have told my phone because that very night, I typed "gettin'" and she changed it to "Ferron" and we all know it doesn't get much more lesbian than that.

I don't know what to do. I love her but I'm starting to worry that she just may not be that into me. Please advise.


Miffed in Minneapolis


Dear Miffed,

I'm sorry that your phone is sending you mixed messages. Obviously, in situations like this, it's best to try to talk it out but I understand that she doesn't seem to be willing. So, since you can't control her, you can only control yourself and you have to ask yourself some important questions. Can you live with the idea that Damon, Ivan and Donny may be a part of your life for the foreseeable future? If you can accept them, then you might be able to salvage your relationship, even if it is not your ideal. If not, you need to take action and end the relationship. I know that is a frightening thought because you've been together for several months but maybe there is another phone out there who might better understand you and your needs.

As for the "lesbianing" and "Ferron," I think you have to accept that she's throwing you bones. Wait--that's probably not the best word given your sensitivity about the men in her life. I just mean that she is trying to placate you and, once again, you have to decide if that's enough for you.

The ball's in your court. I mean...it's your move. Damon! I'm trying to be sensitive here. Good luck and know that you deserve happiness!