Tanning Tips for the Fair-Skinned

IMG_6524The snow and cold are but a distant memory and the sun is out and it's hot and summer has finally arrived! Summer means kids' games and trips to the park and bike rides and swimming and all of those require that you step outside of your house but "outside of your house" is also where the sun lives so I'm here today to give some tanning tips for my fellow fair-skinned people. 1. Always sit in full sun. Tell yourself things like, "I won't burn because it's cool today!" and "I'll just sit in the shadow cast by that lone cloud!" Never mind that this shows a basic lack of understanding of how sun works, this will give you the best start to your summer burn!

2. Wear a t-shirt and socks. Fashion over function always! This apparel will guarantee you the best tan lines ever and everyone will covet your farmer's tan. Biceps and feet are meant to be the color of raw chicken! Don't worry - slapping sunscreen on those ankles and sticking your bare feet in the sun will not even it out. Those tan lines are there for the summer! C'est chic!

3. Don't wear sunscreen. Sunscreen is the voice of the oppressor. Sunscreen's sole purpose is to throw you off your burn and peel cycle. Sunscreen is for pussies and you are a rebel! Stay strong! Burn baby burn.

4. If you must wear sunscreen, apply it haphazardly. Random swaths of white skin or handprints are hawt.

5. Wear really good sunglasses - the bigger the better. Sunglasses protect your eyes and when you take them off, you will look like a raccoon! Who doesn't love a raccoon? Adorable.


6. Do not wear a hat. Scalps are meant to burn - what other reason would we have to scratch our heads all summer?

7. If you burn, take a selfie and send it to your friends. Ignore any advice they give you about aloe. You got this.


You are now prepared for summer! Get out there and enjoy yourself! You are going to look and feel fabulous!