Evasive Maneuvers: A Guide To Parental Escape

IMG_2010Let's be honest - sometimes, we need to get away from our kids. I'm not talking about date nights or going to work in an office so that you can actually complete a thought. I mean that sometimes, when we are with our kids, we need to get away from them. Maybe your child has used you for a jungle gym for the past two hours and your limbs are now locked into unnatural positions.

Maybe you have played approximately 237 games of Uno and are tempted to poke out your eyes with a Draw Four card.

Maybe you have watched your child act out "commercials" for common household products for an entire day - "But wait, mom! There's more! You will also get this...um...this magazine for only $2!"

Maybe you are tired of playing all-star referee in your own reality series, "Sibling Death Matches of the Midwest".

Or maybe you are just tired and out of coffee and cannot be present as a parent for one minute more.

I want you to be happy! I want you to be able to carve out a few moments of time for yourself in a world that tells us that we must be present for our children at all times!

I want to free you from the tyranny of parenting!

Well, I can't free you from the tyranny completely. After all, it is your fault that you are in this parenting mess in the first place. Remember? You wanted kids.

But I can help. So I now present to you the Top 7 Ways to Hide From Your Children Without Being Accused of Neglect!*

1. Hide in the bathroom: Tell your children that you have to go #2 because they know that takes awhile and, because they have brains like squirrels, they have no sense of time! You can stay in there for a long time! Don't forget to take your phone, iPad, book or laptop. This is a 15 to 30 minute option.

2. Hide in the laundry room: This is easier to execute if you have a basement like I do. Tell the kids, "I have to go switch the laundry! Be right back!" But you won't be right back! You can sit in the laundry room "switching the clothes" for at least 20 or 30 minutes.

3. Hide in your bedroom: My favorite use of this is to say that I am "going to change clothes". This tactic allows you to shut your door because we all need privacy when changing. Then, you can lie in bed or read a little. Take your time and then quickly throw on different clothes when you hear the noise levels increase outside your sanctuary. This usually only buys you about 15 minutes, unfortunately.

4. Hide in the bathroom - V 2.0: Tell the kids that you are going to take a shower and then take the longest shower possible. This works best if you have the largest hot water heater that money can buy. Then, you stay in there until you have used every single ounce of hot water. My personal experience tells me that this buys me about 45 minutes - 30 minutes in the shower and then 15 minutes for doing my hair and putting clothes on.

5. Use the telephone: Let the kids know that you have a Very Important Phone Call that you need to take. Then, excuse yourself to a quiet place. You don't really have to have a phone call but you could use the time to call your blog wife like I do sometimes. If you sound very business-like, this can buy you a solid 40 minutes.

6. Hide in the car: Say, "I forgot something in the car. I'll be back in a minute." Head to the car (If it is winter, hopefully, the car has been parked in the sun. If not, no pain, no gain.) Sit in the car and listen to music on your iPod while you appear to search for your lost item. This is another short-term fix...15 minutes tops.

7. Hide by creating the illusion that you are doing chores: In winter, tell the kids you have to shovel snow. In summer, tell them that you have to mow the lawn. Take all the time you want because they will not come looking for you because you might put them to work. You do not actually have to shovel or mow. Take an hour and then come back inside and tell them that the garage door was frozen shut or the lawnmower wouldn't start.

Some of you may be thinking, "But Vikki, shouldn't you teach your children boundaries by being honest with them?" and to you I say, "You have never met my children." I could be lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs and my kids would be standing above me trying to show me magic tricks. As the old saying goes, desperate times call for creativity and evasive maneuvers!

These are tried and true tactics and my children are still alive and tell me I'm the "best mom ever" almost every day. Of course, they usually say that after I give them cookies but whatever. Still counts!

*Don't do something super stupid and then sue me. Remember - I'm unemployed and have no money.