So...I am going to A-Camp. On Wednesday, I'll be flying to LA to frolic on a mountain top with a bunch of queer folk. This sounds like fun, right? Yeah, it does but that doesn't mean that I haven't found plenty of reasons to be nervous. I will list those reasons for you now so that we can all enjoy the warm glow as I stoke my anxiety like a well-built campfire:
1) I am old. I am 43 and have gray hair and "laugh lines" and my boobs are not quite where they used to be. Despite my youthful spirit, I cannot pass for youthful.
2) I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle which includes ice for cocktails.
3) I don't have the right shoes and I spent all of today trying to find a pair of hiking shoes that I liked but they ALL looked like they were made for lesbians from the 1970's. I may be old but I still have standards and I don't own a fanny pack.
4) Though I used to be outdoorsy, I am more outdoorsy-adjacent these days.
To prove this last point, I will share a few conversations I've had recently.
Vikki: I need to buy a pair of hiking boots.
Vikki: Because I am going to be leading a hike at A-Camp.
Luisa: BWAH HA HA HA!
She then suggested I wear her hiking boots because it would be a waste for me to buy a pair for one hike. I appreciated her laughter about as much as she appreciated me telling her that her boots are ugly.
Vikki: I need to buy a pair of hiking boots because I'm going to be leading a hike at A-Camp.
Kristin: BWAH HA HA HA! I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh.
Vikki: I used to be outdoorsy!
Kristin: I know you did and you can be again!
Vikki: Luisa doesn't want me to buy boots.
Kristin: Maybe you should borrow mine.
At least, Kristin tried to control her laughter.
Vikki: So...I am going to lesbian camp.
Raquel: That sounds like so much fun!
Vikki: I'm kinda nervous though.
Vikki: Well, I am leading a hike.
Raquel: BWAH HA HA HA!
Vikki: I USED TO BE OUTDOORSY!
Raquel: If you have to tell people that you used to be outdoorsy, you are no longer outdoorsy!
Whatever. I have pictures of me near tents and canoes.
Vikki: So I heard a rumor that there is no ice at A-Camp.
Deborah: What?! How will you have cocktails?
Vikki: I know, right?! What will I drink? I'm too old to drink warm beer. I think I'll have to pack red wine.
Deborah: Oh, you can't do that. You'll feel horrible drinking that.
Vikki: One young person suggested drinking vodka straight from a water bottle but I can't do that!
Deborah: No. No you can't.
Even outdoorsy people like ice! I did find out today that there is ice at A-Camp so at least I don't have to worry about that.
I am excited for the trip but I am nervous too. I am the shy retiring type and I'm heading to camp without a wing-woman. I'm sure I'll have a good time...I just hope I don't fall off the mountain or get eaten by a bear or drop melted marshmallow on my bare leg (that happened during one of my outdoorsy adventures and it hurt like crazy and, despite what my friends say, it was a very serious burn that may have left a scar. You know I'm gonna go look for the scar after I post this).
No matter what happens, I'm sure I'll have some stories to tell.
I'll be back on 9/17/12. Until then, enjoy your comfy beds and your ice and your wifi. I won't be needing any of those things.
Your outdoorsy friend Vikki
p.s. I'll miss you all.
p.p.s. I'll miss Luisa and the kids the most, of course.
p.p.p.s. Who am I kidding? I'll miss my bed the most. My hip hurts when I sleep on a bad bed. #oldladyproblems
p.p.p.p.s. A Public Service Announcement: Kids - don't play rugby. Your knees and hips will hurt when you reach your 40's.
p.p.p.p.p.s. Okay...I'm really going now...farewell...remember me fondly...