Lessons from the PTA

The third annual meeting of Pinky Tuscadero's Assassins (PTA) was held at Oak Lake (near Webster, Wisconsin) over Memorial Day weekend. Who are the Assassins? I can't tell you obviously. In the past, we have gathered in New Hampshire and I have shared some stories with you. I planned to write about this year's meeting sooner but  I have only recently recovered.

Everyone converged on Minneapolis on 5/27/11 and I rented a tricked out maxi-van for our trip to the cabin. Normally, the trip takes 2 hours and and we generally travel with two children. This time, the trip took 3 1/2 hours. People were hungry and needed to stop for Happy Meals and then M&M's and then we had to stop for Doritos and Cheetos. By the time we arrived at the cabin, we decided that we would didn't really need dinner so we had caipirhinas, beer, gin an tonics and Velveeta cheese dip isntead. I have to say that - much to my surprise - it worked out surprisingly well for us.

The next day, we planned to take the pontoon boat out for the day. So, we packed a cooler with ice, vodka, gin, rum, beer and Diet Coke and juice. We grabbed a few bags of Cheetos and headed down to the dock.

The boat wouldn't start.

Does a silly thing like that ruin a PTA Booze Cruise? No, it does not. Over the next 4 hours, we drank and listented to music and ate an impressive amount of Doritos and tried starting the engine every 15 minutes. We also took 324 pictures. I learned a few things from this booze cruise:

1. Never let the person who started drinking at 10 a.m. take charge of the camera. If you do, this will happen:

2. When you take that many pictures, you can essential play them as a slideshow and it looks like flip book. To protect the innocent, I will not include the series of pictures that show an epic ass grab, boob flashing or an acrobatic trick done in an unflattering swimsuit.

3. There is a colorful and rather disgusting Iowa saying that goes, "The dog that shits fast, can't last." This means that when you start drinking at 10 a.m., you will be asleep by 5 p.m. I would LOVE to post the pictures of our sleepers but I am essentially a kind person.

On the second day, the boat was soaking wet so we did our midday drinking on the dock. I learned many more valuable lessons that day:

1. If you get a splinter in your hand, do not try to dig it out with a dull knife...especially if you've been in the gin.

2. Hold onto your drink so that you don't drop the whole damn thing in a 4 pound bag of M&M's.

3. Gin-soaked M&M's do not taste as good as you might imagine.

4. When someone is trying to help you get a splinter out, be nice to them. Keep insults to a minimum. Also, operating a video camera under the influence of caiprinhas can be hazardous.

The video below provides supporting evidence for #4 but you should watch at your own risk. I was unable to edit the video sufficiently so it's long and boring in places. Also - Rated R for an F bomb:

So much learning in one weekend!