From the Horse's Mouth

Sometimes, you need to stop and really see what’s right in front of you. I mean this literally, not in that “smell the roses” way because everybody is always telling you about the flowers but no one ever tells you to watch out for escalators. See, the escalator was broken today and I had to be really vigilant because when an escalator is not moving you realize that the risers are freakishly short and if you are not paying attention you will look like a Clydesdale on a Stairmaster and we all know Clydesdales are always drunk on Budweiser which means that it would not be a pretty sight at all. I was pretty much an Escalatory Gazelle today but the other people? Drunk Clydesdales. I never look more graceful than other people so I would like to thank all of the Drunk Clydesdales for making my day. Unfortunately, for every day like this, there are a million others when I have poked myself in the eye, hit myself in the head with a door, or tripped on carpet or uneven concrete. Here are a few of my clumsy moments:

  • I once hit myself in the forehead with the claw end of a hammer.
  • I learned the hard way that using a metal guard rail as a balance beam is a very bad idea.
  • I fell while showing off on ice skates, forcefully inserting the rear tip of the skate blade into my own rear and giving me unique insight into the phrase “ripping someone a new asshole”.
  • I tore my ACL playing rugby and by “playing rugby” I mean running across the practice field and stepping in a hole.
  • I broke my knee cap slipping on a patch of ice.
  • While getting in the car, I managed to ram the pole of the bike rack into my eye.
  • When Miguel was 2, I decided to teach Miguel how to jump out of a swing. Instead, he learned that people can’t get up after they jump out of swings.
  • In an attempt to show Miguel how to do the monkey bars, I rammed my head into the first rung and pinched a nerve in my neck.
  • Remember the sledding incident? Yeah, there was that.
  • Luisa badly burned the top of her shoulder making mashed potatoes a couple of years ago which makes me laugh every single time I think about it (Sorry, honey – I know it hurt but it is too good not to include it here). 

Feel free to add your own clumsy moments in the comments. For now, I'm going to enjoy my escalator victory because I'll probably fall in a well later today.

Have a great weekend!