Better Parenting through Dramatic Metaphors!

Before kids, my weekday mornings were like this: 

  • Wake up to silence after a good night’s sleep
  • Take an uninterrupted shower
  • Dance around the bedroom while being dressed by Cinderella’s bluebirds
  • Sit on the couch with a cup of coffee, mentally prepare for the day and reflect on life’s mysteries
  • Pack my bag and head out the door to work 

Since having kids, my weekday mornings are like this: 

  • Wake up tired and disoriented
  • Take a shower in constant fear that dropping the soap will wake the sleeping children
  • Throw on a pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt (smell them first because I sweat like a fat man in a sauna these days)
  • Pack the kids’ lunches, knowing that they won’t eat them anyway
  • Sit on the couch with a cup of coffee only to have my son join me 5 minutes later
  • Try to drink coffee without spilling it while wearing an 8 year old like a shawl
  • Wake up my daughter and explain for the 1,367th time why I have to wash her butt (she still wears pull-ups at night)
  • Endure butt wash related sassiness
  • Tell son to get dressed and stop standing on his head/dancing naked/rolling on the floor before threatening him with loss of Wii/upcoming fun event/desired object/life/limb
  • Explain to daughter why she cannot yet wear a tank top
  • Endure tank top deprivation related sassiness while trying to get myself dressed
  • Make breakfast while mediating conflicts related to one child touching/taking/looking at the other child’s most precious belonging
  • Serve the children their breakfast, gulp down a second cup of coffee and stuff a Luna bar in my mouth
  • Tell children to pack their backpacks, get their shoes on and put on jackets
  • Repeat the previous task ad nauseam while watching both children make faces/flex muscles/dance wildly in front of the full length mirror by the front door
  • Grab my own bag (packed or not) and rush out the door 

Given the way mornings sometimes go, I should cut myself some slack when I have a less than stellar parenting moment, right? Like this morning when I caught a child in a lie and we got into a heated argument about said lie that culminated with me yelling, “YOU HAVE TIED MY HANDS WITH YOUR LIES!”  There is nothing like an overly dramatic metaphor to take your parenting to the next level.  Clearly I missed my calling - I should be writing for a daytime soap.