The Starbucks people hate me. Heck, I hate me and I didn't even have to wait on me. I started out right - I told them I had a complicated coffee order. I was charming and self-deprecating and gave unsolicited and, might I add, witty advice about children and life as a room parent. They were unmoved. So, then I asked how much ground coffee I would need to serve 100 people and my question was met with blank stares. This was not a trick question - they are Coffee Professionals - shouldn't they know this shit? All three employees began to try to calculate the amount of coffee needed which involved all sorts of addition and multiplication and a countin' and a figurin' and I half expected them to drag out a giant dry-erase board and start doing advanced algebra. I didn't really help because I was still under the impression that they knew what they were doing but, as time wore on, I started wishing that Charlie from that Numb3rs show was there to handle things. If he can figure out blood spatter trigonometry, he would certainly be able to figure out coffee for 100! Finally, the head Starbuckian stared into some sort of ethereal caffeinated plane and plucked an answer out of the mist - four pounds. I said, "Really? Are you sure?" She shrugged, which always instills confidence. She then said that I should probably buy a 5 pound bag because I would also get a pound free. That's 6 pounds of coffee. I'm no genius but I think she was hedging her bets. I told her I would think about that while they got the rest of my coffee order ready. Yes, I needed coffee for my own personal use...coffee for home and coffee to take to Kansas City next week. But, I had written my order very neatly on a piece of paper to make it easier for them: ½ pound decaf Pike Place Roast, ground
½ pound caffeinated Pike Place Roast, ground
1 pound decaf Pike Place Roast, whole beans
1 pound caffeinated Pike Place Roast, whole beans
The head Starbuckian handed my list to one of her minions who proceeded to ask me if I needed any of it ground. Now, I am a patient consumer but I felt that things were pretty clear. I redirected the minion to the list and said, "I think I wrote that part down". The minion shrugged and headed off to the bulk bean area with my little list and I went down there to keep her company. So, she was measuring and grinding and bagging and labeling and then I decided that I was not going to follow the advice of the head Starbuckian. No, I was going to strike out on my own and get two pounds of caffeinated Pike Place Roast and two pounds of decaf Pike Place Roast - both ground. I informed my personal Starbuck's employee (because that's how I had come to think of her since I had taken so much of her time that I felt like she had been assigned to me, like, "You manage the high maintenance gal and I'll make specialized coffee drinks for the other 50 customers"). The addition to my order did give the minion pause and I understand that. I mean...I wasn't exactly a model of efficiency. I shot out rapid-fire apologies and made a few more witty remarks to try to endear myself to her. What kind of crazy person wants the Starbucks person to like her? Me. After FORTY minutes, she finished my order and told me that I'd have to wait in line to pay at the other register. I was chipper and pleasant, I nearly sang "No problem! Thank you so much for your time!" I waited in line and when I got to the counter, the head Starbuckian didn't even crack a smile. She just asked if I wanted a bag. Hmmm...let's see, I have 8 effin' bags of coffee. Yeah, I think I'll take a bag. So, she put it all in the bag and I started thinking that maybe she would offer me a free drink because my order came to $92 but that was pure craziness on my part because the only thing she offered me was a receipt. So, what did I do? Did I complain? Of course not, I apologized and expressed my undying gratitude. That's right! I really showed them!