Martha Stewart Done Me Wrong

She beckons to me from the pages of Martha Stewart Living. She smiles while holding a beautiful centerpiece and our eyes meet. I hear her whispering to me, she says, "Vikki, you can do this!" I am mesmerized by her decorative eye, her creativity and, quite possibly, her matching sweater set. I smile back at her and I begin to believe. I believe in Martha and her world of endless possibility. I become convinced that I too can make a beautiful fleur-de-lis coffee cake and that I can make empty toilet paper rolls into stunning party favors. These projects do not turn out exactly as promised but I am undaunted. Martha is there to comfort me and encourage me and I vow to try harder. Martha nods approvingly and purrs in my ear, "Yes, Vikki...yes!" She speaks to me, her co-conspirator, and tells me that I can and must make her Spiderweb Eggs. I do not doubt her and do not doubt that I can succeed with her guidance. Spiderweb eggs - so simple and so perfectly delicious. Martha Stewart’s EggsI review the recipe numerous times and buy all ingredients to Martha's exact specifications. The night before the party, I set out to recreate the eggs pictured at left. I follow the recipe without deviation. With each step, I grow more certain of my success and know that this time my creation will also be worthy of a magazine. I smile confidently and place the eggs in the refrigerator to cool. I go to bed and sleep the sleep of the Creatively Righteous. The next morning, I return to my eggs and begin to peel one with the same zeal as a child opening a birthday present. The shell is difficult to peel and, when removed, takes large pieces of the egg with it. I hear Martha's reassuring voice telling me that I am hurried. One musn't be hurried. I set the first egg aside and proceed more cautiously. Egg after egg, I am faced with reality. My tray of eggs looks nothing like Martha's. I fall silent and listen but the siren song of Martha Stewart is gone and all that remains is dirty dishes, disappointment and two dozen eggs that look like goopy eyeballs. 

Spiderweb Eggs by VikkiCurse you, Marth Stewart! Curse you and your promise of beauty and perfection!