Recently, I took my car to be detailed because the interior had begun to look like the site of a parenting archeological dig with it's fine layer of Goldfish silt, clumps of petrified dirt from soccer cleats, and unidentifiable artifacts ("Is that a piece of gum or a pebble?"). I had never had my car detailed before, so, I didn't know what to expect but I removed all of our personal items (i.e. socks, empty mint boxes, and various wrappers) and drove to the detailing place with joy and wonder in my heart.
The shop was located in a distant suburb - a very distant suburb, like I might have been in a different state. I'm still not sure where I was. I parked, checked in, and the guy took my keys and said, "It will be ready to pick up in about two hours." "TWO HOURS?!," I said aloud, though I only meant to think it to myself. He looked at me like, "Yeah lady, we're not lazy teens at the Carwash-o-Matic." I tried to play it cool even though it was too late, "Oh sure. Two hours. Totally reasonable." He then nodded his head towards the waiting area.
I was not prepared to waste two hours of my life in this far away land with only an Arby's nearby but there was no going back, so, I went into the cinder block waiting room and sat down with my phone and my grande soy no foam latte. Thank goodness I stopped for coffee on the way. I read all of the internet and blew through all of my Candy Crush lives within a half hour and there was nothing left to do but ponder deep questions about place, human behavior, and life itself.
Here are the 7 questions I considered while waiting:
1. As I went through the multitude of items I pulled from the glove compartment, I found an unused sympathy card. Who did I buy that for and then forget to send it to? (Answer: I have absolutely no idea but it looks familiar so I am sure I was the one who bought it.)
2. How old is the coffee in that Mr. Coffee coffee maker that isn't even turned on? Further investigation revealed that it wasn't even plugged into the outlet. (Answer: I don't know. At the end of my two hour stay, however, an older woman came into the waiting room, poured herself a cup AND DRANK IT.)
3. How many linoleum tiles are there in this tiny cinder block room? (Answer: 92 whole ones, 40 partial ones)
4. What type of person uses hazelnut Coffee-Mate in their coffee? (Answer: Tween girls and older suburban moms. Don't hate. This is a theory.)
5. Is the man that just screamed loudly in the detailing garage okay and is his pain physical or existential? (Answer: Yes, he was okay and based on the muffled responses, his pain was physical.)
6. Why is there a football helmet that has been spray painted gold under the TV table? (Answer: I have no clue and no one to ask.)
7. Should I rifle through the drawers of that desk? (Answer: Yes, you should. Rifling revealed only a receipt for the TV that was purchased from Target in January. Seems like they got a great deal.)
The detailing took two hours and 10 minutes. I'm sure those of you who are reading this are glad it didn't take longer.