Because of a Shelf


Luisa and I have to install a new ceiling in our kitchen because a shelf fell off the kitchen wall a few months ago. What? Did I lose you?

Let me explain how this happened by providing the following timeline...

January 2014: The shelf above the kitchen stove falls down, leaving gaping holes in the wall. Vikki and Luisa (known hereafter as "The Homeowners") decide they hate the kitchen shelf and the color of the kitchen and maybe their house in general. They decide to repaint the kitchen.

February 2014: The gaping holes in the kitchen wall become invisible to The Homeowners. The Homeowners have forgotten about the ordered life they led before the shelf fell off the wall and they were forced to shove all the shelf's contents into the already crowded pantry. Homeowner A often remarks, "Wow! Our pantry is just so full!" The kitchen remains the ugly green color it was painted in in the early 2000s.

March 2014: Suddenly and inexplicably, the holes in the wall become visible to The Homeowners once again. They go to Home Depot and pick out two colors of blue and paint small patches on the wall so that they can choose which color they like best.


April 2014: After consulting their children, their friends and their friends' children, The Homeowners choose the lighter blue.

May 2014: The patches of blue and the gaping holes become invisible to The Homeowners. The shelf is forgotten and the crowded pantry becomes the new normal. Homeowner B often asks Homeowner A (This Mistress of the Pantry) things like, "Where is the oil?" Homeowner A responds, "The oil is on the right side, behind the saltines, Luna Bars and steel cut oats." When Homeowner B still can't find it, Homeowner A simply responds, "Keep digging." Pantry archeology becomes a thing.

June 2014: Friend A who loves to visit The Homeowners' pantry and look for chocolate visits and comments that the pantry is crowded and she cannot find the chocolate. She asks, "Is there still chocolate in here?" Homeowner A says, "Yes. It's on the right side, to the left of the popcorn, behind the paper sno cone cups and the slivered almonds." Of course.

July 2014: Wow. It's super hot in July.

August 2014: The missing shelf, the crowded pantry, the gaping holes in the wall and the blue patches of paint suddenly insert themselves into the consciousness of Homeowner B who says, "We need to paint the kitchen." Homeowner A says, "Okay. Let's do it after Labor Day."

The Day after Labor Day: Homeowner B says to Homeowner A, "Are you ready?" Homeowner A has no idea what she is supposed to be ready for but hopes that she's in for a surprise, like a trip! She does get a trip - to Home Depot to get paint. Homeowner B reminds her that they agreed to paint the kitchen after Labor Day.

Day 1 of Kitchen Project: Homeowner A is feeling ambitious and craves a beautiful kitchen since the pantry, the holes, and the blue patches have become unbearable! She says to Homeowner B, "What if we took down those ugly ceiling tiles?" This is beyond the scope of painting the kitchen but Homeowner B says, "Are you sure?" Homeowner A must be temporarily insane because she says, "Yes. I'm sure." The Homeowners take down all the ceiling tiles and Homeowner A says, "Well, it's not as bad as I feared but not as good as I hoped."


Days 2 - 4 Kitchen Project: The Homeowners learn to put in a beadboard drop ceiling by watching a video on HGTV and then order $625 worth of beadboard. Homeowner B suggests also putting in a new light fixture that she will wire to the wall switch so that they no longer have to use a pull chain. Homeowner A agrees.

Days 5-7 of Kitchen Project: The Homeowners patch walls, sand woodwork, wash walls and prep the kitchen for painting. Friend A joins them and they repaint the kitchen.


Day 8 of Kitchen Project: Homeowner A instructs everyone that they should keep their eyes straight ahead or slightly lowered when entering the beautifully repainted kitchen because the ceiling remains a horror show.


Days 9-13 of Kitchen Project: The Homeowners act as if the kitchen project has been completed. The Homeowners' daughter wonders when everything will be put back into the kitchen so they can cook.

Day 14 of Kitchen Project: During the day, The Homeowners spend hours trying to find the joists in the ceiling. Later, The Homeowners go to Home Depot to buy the new light fixture, wire, switch box, wire cover and wood to frame the drop ceiling. The Homeowners argue in the lighting department about fixtures and Homeowner B says this light fixture is going to be more work and Homeowner A says, "I don't want more fucking work!" Home Depot employees scatter. The Homeowners leave all electrical supplies in the lighting department, having decided to abandon the project. Homeowner A demands that Homeowner B admit the light fixture project was her idea which she does, under duress.

Day 17 of Kitchen Project: The kitchen remains in slight disarray but Homeowner A hopes to start a new cooking trend - floor toast!