We need to talk. There are some real issues in our relationship and, when I've tried to bring them up, you've bitten me. That's why I decided to write to you instead. I understand that it can be difficult to talk about your feelings so I thought that writing to you might make it easier for you to hear my concerns, process them and then respond in a more positive way.
I love you. I want you to know that but I also need some space sometimes. You are beautiful and affectionate and you have a great sense of humor. But lately, you've been clingy. Every time I sit down, you climb onto my chest and start purring. Believe me - I think you are a great singer and I loved it when you purred Rhianna's "Diamonds" to me the other night. It's just that sometimes I need to be able to do work on the laptop and when you come over and get between me and the keyboard it's just awkward.
When you were a kitten, there was plenty of space between your body and the keyboard but, since you've gotten older and - let me be frank - put on a little weight, it just doesn't work. Last night was the last straw because your big fuzzy ass was just all over the track pad and you were draped over my arm and I couldn't even type. I'm sorry to bring up the weight thing - like I said, I think you are beautiful and don't want you to change a thing about your gorgeous self but I do want you to consider sitting next to me instead of on top of me.
It's not just that though. We also need to talk about the dining room table. Lately, you've been lying on the table and it's almost like you are daring me to stop you. I move to get you off and you stare at me and it hurts, Momo. I just wonder how we got to this point. You used to make an effort and dart away but now it's like a standstill.
I realize that you might have issues with me too. I know you are still bitter that I bought that water bowl with the wide base so you couldn't knock it over anymore and I know I rubbed it in your face that I had outsmarted you. I take full responsibility for my immature response and I am sorry for sticking my tongue out at you while doing my victory dance. But you need to talk to me, really talk to me. Not wake me up at 3 a.m. by rustling a plastic bag and then hiding when I get up to talk. It's rude and it's exhausting.
I know change is hard and I am willing to be patient with you but I need to see some effort on your part to change. I know you love me (maybe a little too much) and I love you but all relationships require work and I think it's time we put some into ours.
I look forward to your response...which I really hope is not a dead mouse or bird left on the front stoop.
p.s. Please stop following me into the bathroom or pawing at the door when I lock you out. Please.