A couple of years ago, I switched deodorants and started using the same one as Luisa. I made this life-altering decision for three reasons: 1) The other deodorant wasn't working for me and 2) It was convenient and 3) It freed up space in the medicine cabinet for cookies. When you use a particular deodorant for awhile, you get used to the way you smell and then, when you switch, you smell like someone else. So, when I first started using Luisa's deodorant, I kept thinking she was following me everywhere which was kinda sweet but kinda creepy. Eventually, the weirdness passed though and our smells became one. They warn you of such things in Lesbian Training Courses but smelling the same is not as bad as dressing the same so there's that.

Recently, Luisa's deodorant stopped working for me. I blame this on two things: 1) Global Warming and 2) Perimenopause. This is my way of telling you that I have been inexplicably stinky for the past few months. Luisa claims not to have noticed and, while I do have a very keen sense of smell, I do believe that I have begun to smell like I've rubbed a poulstice of cumin, garlic and goat dander in my pits. So, I knew that I needed to change for fear that some hippy tree hugger might find me and try to mate with me.

Yesterday, I went to Target in search of the most potent deodorant I could find. I went to the women's deodorants hoping that they might have one to address issues of perimenopausal pit odors. It may surprise you to find that there is not a single deodorant dedicated to addressing this issue. There are, however, deodorants for people who run marathons which I find funny given how few people run marathons compared to how many people have to deal with hormonal sweat. I ended up buying two deodorants - one that promised to neutralize my goatiness with natural magic and the one for people who run marathons.

This morning, I decided I would start with the marathon deodorant because vacation was over and life is a marathon not a sprint and there is no "i" in team and if at first you don't succeed, try try again. Let me begin by telling you that this deodorant comes out of the top like the hair in the play-doh barbershop. I have not experienced this before so I found it a tad unsettling and, before my pits were properly coated, that stuff was on the sink, the floor and - impressively - in my mouth. I can tell you that it does not taste like a marathon victory or "fresh". It also does not taste like chicken.

I then spent the rest of the day thinking that I was being followed by a gay man with a fondness for cologne. It was like I was back in high school with my gay boyfriend but with less face-eating kisses. On the upside, I did not smell like a samosa so I think this deodorant might be working.