There are so many things about parenting that are top secret. These things are kept top secret because if people found out about them, no one would ever want to reproduce and the human race would become extinct. That is why dinosaurs became extinct - they were horrible at keeping secrets. They were the biggest gossips. Heh. Well, secrets make you sick so I am going to tellyou all the ones I know. This is an act of defiance but also one of faith because I believe people will continue to reproduce. We are stupid that way. So, I present to you the top 9 things you should know about parenting that you won't find in one of those cute little books you buy while pregnant or waiting to adopt:
1. You will be covered in urine and/or feces at one point or another during your stint as a parent. Sometimes, these bodily excretions will come in contact with your mouth. Do not ask how. Just trust and keep your mouth closed.
2. Having children will impact your sex life because you will live in fear that they will a) hear you b) walk in on you c) find your sex toys or d) all of the above. This fear is not irrational. They will do these things. Sorry.
3. If you have a date night/important meeting/interview/personal day planned, your child will get sick. Always.
4. You will be forced to deal with every single issue you have and your kids will put you through the hell you thought you avoided by skipping therapy.
5. Interestingly, although you will become more aware of your issues and flaws and strive to better yourself for the sake of your children, they will make you feel crazier than you have ever felt before. It is their special gift.
6. Your child will embarrass you in ways that defy imagination. For example, they may tell their teachers about your personal business in the bathroom in horrifying detail.
7. They will injure you. They will joyfully head butt you in the mouth or, even better, stick a miniature flag up your nose. FYI, a flag up the nose causes impressive bleeding.
8. You will be humbled every day. Children are back seat drivers, nosy neighbors, food critics and housing inspectors rolled into one.
9. Your child will projectile vomit on more than one occasion. This will occur in public at least once. No matter where it occurs, you will almost always be collateral damage. If you have a sensitive stomach or a hair-trigger gag reflex, vomiting could be a family affair.
I know there should be 10 items on the list because lists always come in 10's. I know that I should tell you about all the sweet little hugs and kisses that make it all worthwhile. This will have to do because Luisa and I were the victims of #9 tonight and we're still recovering from the smell.