Eat Drink and Feel Scary

I make some of my best decisions when I am hung over and/or sleep deprived. At least that’s what I think in the moment, a moment that is clearly filled with optimism of delusional proportions. Every idea is brilliant! My problems will be solved! It was in this very state that I decided to eat my way through the BlogHer Expo halls. I figured that eating would settle my stomach which would stop me from feeling shaky which would improve my mood which would lead to extroversion. How could I go wrong?

The first thing I saw when I stepped into the expo hall was a booth for Jimmy Dean and a batallion of corn dogs laid out in front of an enthusiastic young rep. A corn dog would be perfect! Protein is always good! I bellied up to the bar and said in my perkiest voice, "I’ll have a corn dog!" She replied in a voice perkier than mine, "Here you go! But they’re not corn dogs – they are turkey sausages wrapped in maple flavored pancakes!" I was slightly disappointed but tried to out-perky her once more by saying, "GREAT!" like a drunken, lesbian Tony the Tiger.

Turns out that drunken lesbian tigers do not like breakfast on a stick. 

Next up was a booth promoting something. What? You want more detail? Did you not determine my state of mind in the paragraphs above?! All I remember is that there was a picture of Caillou and I was hoping for some Caillou merch because Zeca loves Ruca. I know you’re thinking, "What? Wait – who is Ruca?" I haven't totally lost it - Ruca is Caillou in Portugal. There was no Caillou merch, however. Apparently, it’s produced by Canadians and they hoard it like gold bouillon. All was not lost, however, because they had big sugar cookies covered in suspiciously smooth and shiny icing. Was I daunted by the plastic look of the cookies? Hell no! I took one, ripped open the bag and took a big bite. Chew. Cough. Gasp. Chew. Pray for more saliva. Chew. Swallow. Finally. No one in their right mind would ever take a second bite of a cookie like that. Well, almost no one. Let me tell you, the second bite was just as bad. 

Soon after the cookie incident, we came upon the Pillsbury booth where they were decorating miniature cupcakes. Mini cupcakes are so happy and hopeful! I ran over to get one but something told me that it was a bad idea. That "something" might have been Deborah or a particularly nasty wave of nausea – I can’t remember – but I didn’t have a cupcake. Somewhere around there, though, I ran into the Terra Chips booth and tried their new, exciting flavor! I can’t remember what it was called but it was something like Thanksgiving Curry at Old Country Buffet and it tasted just like it! Kudos to you, Terra! I looked into my tiny martini glass full of curried chips and said, "I can’t do this. Really." And then, like a vision, Elmo appeared. You might think I was hallucinating by that point and I would too if I hadn’t found this picture on my Blackberry:








I was a haggard, haggard blogger - sick, tired and a little creeped out by how hot and sweaty Elmo was. I limped past the Play Doh booth and briefly considered eating some of that. Salt helps sometimes. But, instead, we went to a booth that was giving away spanx and I got a bag of Pirate’s Booty- organic cheese puffs in Cheetos clothing. About 5 booties in, I knew I’d made a mistake. It wasn’t just the Pirate’s Booty – it was the whole plan. That's right - I had an epiphany in the expo hall and I knew I needed water. There was no water. There were Playtex bottles and Thermos water bottles but there was no frickin' water. There was a Got Milk booth, however. Milk has water in it, right? Milk – it does a body good, right? My body needed some good-doing so I stumbled to the booth like a rhino to a stream and grabbed a bottle of skim milk.

It was not a good day for rhinos in the expo hall. 

The rest of the day is a blur. Did I eat dinner? I don’t know. I do know that I ended up at the Heartland Brewery that night. I don't know what time I got there and I don't know what time I left. I had only one drink before realizing that I needed to go to bed. I walked away from good beer and better company, wandered back to the hotel and did just that.  It was the best idea I’d had all day. Sleep - it does a body better.