This tale begins at 9 p.m. last night when I decided that I would make myself an iced mocha. I know there are many of you gasping in horror at the thought of drinking coffee right before bed but caffeine just doesn't affect me. Well, I didn't think it did. As I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I had plenty of time to ponder my rather cavalier attitude towards caffeine. I pondered it at 11 p.m. I pondered it at 12:15 a.m. Then, I slept...until I woke up at 1 a.m. to ponder some more. So, yeah, I had a little trouble sleeping. I finally fell into a fitful sleep sometime after 1 a.m. and awoke at 5 a.m. to gun shots. I know that I was complaining on Twitter and Facebook last week about the birds outside my window but I didn't shoot them. Nor did I shoot my Crazy Gay Neighbor who has gotten an early start on The Crazy this year by 1) mowing our front yard while we were gone 2) disposing of the Christmas tree we were going to use for kindling 3) watering in such a way that we cannot enter or exit or home (front or back) without running through his sprinkler and 4) sneaking into our back yard to weed and slinking away without any explanation when confronted. I was not responsible for these gun shots and they were close...like on the next block close. I couldn't go back to sleep after that so I showered and made a pot of coffee. The bright spot of the day (sadly this bright spot occurred at 7 a.m.) was that I heard the kids wake up and say to each other, "Let's surprise mom by getting ready without her having to tell us to!" And they did. They came downstairs dressed with teeth and hair brushed. So sweet! I wanted to stay and revel in their sweetness but I left for work instead. Then, when I got to the parking lot, I realized I didn't have my parking card because I was driving Luisa's car. It's not that I didn't realize that I was driving Luisa's car. I did. How could I not notice? It's so nice and has the sexiest auxillary port which means I can listen to my iPod without static. No, I knew I was driving her car but forgot to take the card out of the other car. So, I pulled a ticket at the garage and headed to the elevator. I just missed an elevator so I pushed the button for another one and waited. Then, this big burly guy came in and pushed the button again and stared at me like I was an idiot. I wanted to say, "Do you think I'm just standing here wondering how these things work and assuming that I can summon an elevator through sheer will?! Huh? Do you?" At that very moment, the elevator arrived and I knew that he thought that he had made it come and I was irrationally furious. Fortunately, because of the immense intake of caffeine in recent hours, I forgot about my fury before I even got out of the elevator. So, I went over to talk to the parking attendant and she wasn't there. Her jacket was there. Her pen was there. Bonnie Raitt was playing on her little CD player but she wasn't there. For a brief moment, I was convinced that she had been abducted (see previous sentences regarding caffeine levels in my bloodstream) but there was no sign of struggle so I just stood there and waited. I waited for about 10 minutes and every person that got off the elevator stared at me and the automated payment machine kept saying, "Please pay here before returning to your vehicle." I was about to start talking back to it and telling it about forgetting my parking card and that I don't usually pay because I have a monthly contract but I was saved from myself by the return of the parking attendant who gave me a pass. I then headed into the Government Center, through security and to another elevator. There were a lot of people waiting so I went way down to the end to get an elevator that would be less crowded. The elevator arrived and I got on and then I was rushed by a gaggle of loud attorneys who kept backing up and backing up until I was forced into a corner. It was like I was invisible! There was about two inches between me and the attorney in front of me and I wanted to scream, "PERSONAL SPACE PEOPLE!" but was worried that they would think I was crazy and/or was claiming to have my own aliens like, "Oh you can't have these. These are my personal space people." What? It happens, especially in my line of work. So, I was suffocating and craned my neck to get a look at the buttons and nearly every floor was lit. It was a long ride. A very long ride. I finally made it to my desk and turned on the computer while taking a look at my new case. The line of the report that stood out was, "The house is filled with human waste." Lovely. Then, to top it all, my computer wouldn't allow me to access any of my files or open Microsoft Word. My friend Kristin then happened by and asked me out to coffee. Should I have had more coffee? Probably not. But, I went and got an espresso frappuccino anyway. Wow. Those are tasty little buggers. When I got back to my desk, I was motivated to get my work life under control! Computer be damned! This was going to be my day! I rebooted my computer and put on my iPod and...it didn't work! That's when I knew...today was simply out to get me.