Over the weekend, I had a dream that Michael Jackson was dead but, in my dream, he had drowned and authorities suspect foul play. So, it is all over the news that Michael has been murdered and, for reasons that aren't clear until later in my dream, I think I am the primary suspect. Now, let me say right now - I did not kill Michael Jackson. I just think everyone suspects me of killing Michael Jackson. So, I am watching the news and totally freaking out because I know that they are going to name me as a suspect any minute and then I decide to destroy evidence. Evidence of what, I'm not sure but it involves removing my own finger prints from every surface in my own apartment which is, as you might imagine, quite time consuming. So, I search my entire apartment for something to remove my fingerprints and the only thing I can find is fingernail polish remover. I start wiping down every surface in my apartment (including a pair of golf shoes under my bed) and the whole apartment reeks of fingernail polish remover and I start worrying that the police will come and be suspicious of the smell so I panic and call my girlfriend repeatedly, like every 10 minutes for several hours. She never answers or calls me back which only increases my anxiety. Time passes and there is a knock at the door and I assume that the police are finally coming for me but it's my girlfriend arriving home and my girlfriend is...Lindsay Lohan. She walks through the door wearing a blue hoodie and looking very tired and slightly annoyed. I'm like, "I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL DAY!" and she says, "I know that, Vikki. I'm a little busy what with being Chief of Surgery and all. What's the deal?" And then I tell her that everyone thinks I killed Michael Jackson and she asks, "Why would anyone think that?!" I say, "Well, because I was with him when he drowned." Her eyes get big and I explain that we were swimming in the lake and he went under and I thought he was playing and then he never came back up and I tried to go under to find him but it was night so it was really dark and then she shakes her head and tells me that I should just tell the police what happened. Chief of Surgery Lindsay is so rational! I tell her that I think they might be suspicious of me because I left the lake and went home and never bothered to call for help. She puts her head in her hands and, when I look at her again, she is no longer Dr. Lindsay Lohan - she is Luisa. She tells me to turn myself in and I tell her that I'm going to because I can't handle the stress. Then, she asks me if I'm going to the gym and I say, "Well, if by 'going to the gym', you mean 'going to jail' - then, yeah. I'm going to the gym." I give her a kiss and walk out the door to meet my fate. The moral of this story is clearly that one should never swim in the dark, especially with Michael Jackson. Also, if your girlfriend is a famous actress-doctor, she will not return your calls and you will have to clean your house with fingernail polish remover. Also, don't go to the gym. Take these lessons to heart, my friends.
Speaking of dreams, you all pushed Up Popped a Fox into the finals in the Lezzy Awards! You are the best and I shall reward you by asking you to continue voting for my blog in the Parenting and Personal categories through March 2. By now, you know how this works. You click on the link and vote and then go to your e-mail and click the link to confirm your votes. Votes that are not confirmed do not count and many votes didn't count last year so confirm, confirm, confirm. Need some voting recommendations? The following list includes some of the nominees and the blogs I'll be voting for are marked with asterisks:
This was a tough decision because you know I love me some Autostraddle but I read Dorothy every day too so I gave this one to Dorothy and chose Autostraddle in another category.
This was another hard choice because I adore Deb over at Peaches and Coconuts but I am a writer for Grace the Spot and I gotta support the Graces. If Grace the Spot doesn't tickle your funny bone, vote for Peaches and Coconuts!
Up Popped A Fox* Lesbian Dad Mombian
Polly at LesbianDad and Dana at Mombian are both incredible bloggers. I'm honored to be in their company. If blogging was like high school, I would totally ask to carry their books and then gaze at them dreamily.
Up Popped A Fox* Peaches and Coconuts Just Like Jesse James
If anyone is torn on this one (like me), perhaps I can arrange for Deb and I to duel by pun at high noon.
New Lesbian Blog
Autostraddle all the way. I've been reading that site from the beginning and it has been such a pleasure to watch it grow and evolve. Seriously, you should be reading it every day.
There are several other categories and so many blogs nominated that I've never read (which I will correct ASAP). So, read and vote and celebrate lesbian bloggers!