I woke up this morning feeling "off" but could not quite figure out why. I looked out the window into a sea of endess gray that was broken only by dead, brown things. Leafless branches. Partially covered brown grass. Dirty snow. I am officially done with winter. I know...I go through this every year and I will get through it. Still, I gave up my gloves this morning...a small act of rebellion against my mood and the weather. My hands ached as I scraped the ice off the windshield of my car but I simply ignored it. I told myself, "The time for gloves is over". I hope that my righteous indignation at the length of winter will keep me warm as I am willing spring to appear. I want to move away from the cold but I can't leave without my friends. We'll be moving as a group but they don't know that yet. I'm going to suggest Melides, Portugal. I'll make an excellent ex-pat. I'll sit in the sun on the patio and drink good wine and talk to the people I love and I'll write. Hemingway had his bull fights. I'll have the olive trees and the ocean air.
Somedays, I feel like I am drowning in all that I must do. On those days, the things I want to do become the pretty swimsuit I'm wearing as I go under. A swimsuit of possibility is not a life preserver. There are fights to mediate. There are meals to prepare and dishes to do. There are crumbs on the floor and piles of papers that need to be sorted. There is little time for anything else and, sometimes when there is time, my mind cannot focus on anything real. I'm tired. The past week was crazy busy and we also lost an hour. I need that hour back. I'm sure we all do. I had a bad day. We all have them, though the specifics and circumstances vary. My mother used to look at a dark sky and say about the weather, "It's set in for the day" meaning that the storm would not be moving quickly through and would require our acceptance. Today my mood was set in and, finally, I had to accept it. Luisa put the kids to bed and I sat on my bed staring out the window. It helped. I know that what will help the most is sleep which is what I am going to do now. I know tomorrow will be different. It always is.