I recently joined Facebook for reasons that completely escape me. I am aged and have no business on Facebook with the younguns but someone sent me an invitation and I was like, "Huh...what is this thing called Facebook?" At first, I did nothing but stare at the page wondering what the heck it all meant. Then, I added some friends so that I wouldn't look like a complete loser and then I managed to upload a profile picture. I have now sent some invites, done some status updates and even writtin on some walls and, when I read over the previous sentence, I feel like I am writing in a language that resembles English but one in which the usual words mean something entirely different. Here's the problem...I don't get Facebook and, much like my buddy Kristin, I don't think I am Facebook's desired demographic. I recently found out you can send people virtual liquor and found myself repeating "virtual liquor" silently to myself like a woman with dementia repeating the word "table" because she knows she should know what it means but can't quite put her finger on it. Virtual liquor? I'll take a Bell's Two Hearted Ale in a cold glass that I can actually hold in my hand and then I will actually drink it and taste the beer. Maybe I am just bitter because an old college pal recently sent me some virtual corn which I could kind of get into because it involves a hell of a lot less flossing than the real thing but I can't even figure out how to receive it. I can't receive my corn and, inexplicably, I want my damn corn! Perhaps someone will send me some virtual instructions and a virtual hug for support as I navigate this new world. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to receive those either. Now I know how my mother must have felt when trying to program her VCR.